I hate writing. Because I suck at it and it is time consuming. I am not creative with adjectives or fancy synonyms and I can not write in a way that is interesting for any type of audience to indulge in. What I write in this blog will not be memorable posts to reflect on through a life changing event, nor thereafter. I will probably forget my password in a week and get bored with trying to think of things to say to keep this blog updated. There is plenty to say - I think of shit to say all day long that would sound good written down. Problem is four seconds later a new thought comes to mind and I completely forget the last. So this isn't something anybody I know would want to read and just as good because I wont be inviting any of them to read it. [Except for a certain two or three people] Just from this first intro one can see how I go around and around in circles trying to get my point across. What is my point in saying any of this anyway?

   Perhaps there isn't one.. Or perhaps I feel it is needed to be said because I know how I am and have been with journals and blogs in the past. They sit and brew until four years later I go back and say 'wow.. I was a pisshead back then.' Interestingly enough, I already say that about my myself in the present.

   The purpose for this monotony is because it was recommended by my current therapist, who I have been seeing for two weeks now.  She has instructed me to start writing. She is supposed to help me quit drinking but my efforts have been slim thus far. I hate drinking. I love drinking. Aside from the fears and troubles of quitting I am also trying to lose weight. I need to shed 27 pounds for my 5 ft tall stature to be what it was six years ago pre-baby. It wouldn't hurt in improving my self perspective as well, which has been hurting bad since the day I realized my chin has practically disappeared into my neck. Losing weight is a challenge just as great as going more than a night without a drink. I have to change all my habits, lifestyle and lack of physical activity. Sure it is Spring now and there is time and opportunity to engage in more outdoor physical activity but there are days I just don't feel like giving a shit. Noticing my own apathy toward bettering my health and demeanor is a trigger for drinking. Drinking is a trigger for apathy. It is a nasty cycle.

   I hate dieting. I hate being controlled by alcohol. I hate not being a health nut. I hate oat bread. I hate most fruit. I have another nasty addiction to Veleeta mac&cheese. I hate that.

The last thing I am currently working on is learning how to pay bills and save money. I am just about $4700 late on rent/fuel/electric, just under $3000 on medical/hospital bills, $400 on cell phone plan, $400 on Walmart card and I think about $300 for Comcast internet/cable. 

 There is nothing else to say here for now because my fiery 15 minutes of attention-span has dwindled into a smoking brush and now I am bored. I should note, however, that it is 51 minutes into my night shift at work and I am to continue the next 11 hours sitting on my ass, listening to music, watching Netflix and playing the god damned sims on facebook to keep my mind off what really matters in life. yay, go team