What is the point of blogging again?

I am officially bored of blogging. Just feels dumb now.

Mind Reading

  I am a Mind Reader, just to let you know. Weird saying that because it wasn't what I meant. What I meant was.. I am a mind reader. No, no, that is not what I meant either... I. Am. A. Mind. Reader.
 Oh fuck it, this is not working out, so I might as well just get on with writing what I came here to write about...  which is.. I am a fucking mind reader.  Nope, that is still weird.

  In other news... mind reading is a cognitive distortion where one believes they know what others are thinking. Wikipedia notes: Reaching conclusions (usually negative) from little (if any) evidence.
I am not a self-proclaimed mind reader, my therapist was the one that said that, not me. This is part of my therapy for my god damn social anxiety. I do hate people though. I hate people because I hate them looking at me. Sounds silly, I admit. I hate people looking at me because I think they will think bad things about me, thus I can read your mind and shut the hell up.
Ahh... now that it's off my back I can conclude. I am trying to get to the point where I can have normal social interactions with people. Although I don't think it will ever happen, as most people around here more often would rather talk to themselves instead. But perhaps that is more of my cognitive distortion playing in. I think that would fall under number 2 on my list "Catastrophizing."
Or perhaps it could go under "Overgeneralization."
 I am bored writing about this, onto more interesting topics.

  I will be picking the piano back up after all these years of keeping the dust off it for no damn reason. I plan to start writing music again as a way to escape from the painful urge to drink at night. It was suggested I start painting again as well. I am not the best painter but I think I could create an image of the humor in being a mind reader. Just wait and see, I will have that up here as soon as it is finished. Want to talk 'no skills?' I will have a rating system placed under each painting.."two laughs" for 'man, that is pathetic' and "four laughs" for 'please break your brushes in half and drink the bong paint-brush-cleaning water.'

   There is nothing better than making fun of yourself when you know "you aint got no skill."

P.S. I fucking hate the use of the word 'aint.' Guess I am just not gangster enough for it.

St Patrick's Day Surprises.

These four night weeks at work are hard on me as well as my daughter. Wednesday she sent me off to work with her new snake, which I placed on a pencil in my home-made post-it note pen holder.
 
Yesterday on my drive home from work I stopped at a gas station for a pack of smokes. Since my adoring fiance is always asking me to pick him up a coffee in the morning [in which I respond "use the damn coffee maker at home" ] I decided to finally get him one. While checking out I saw a huge vase of green and white carnations and asked for one. Fionna was delighted when I gave it to her "you are the best mommy in the world!" And she literally held the small flower for an hour periodically smelling it. She told me she was going to make me a special surprise and give it to me when I wake up. So at 430pm when I woke up I went downstairs to find her hiding in her toy room behind her pretend kitchen. She seemed a little embarrassed over the gift she had behind her back but I eventually coaxed her out without peeking at my super special surprise. Half a dozen green and white carnations wrapped in purple tissue paper with a pretty straw bow. And a delightful card she made herself [with grammy's help with the words]





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On the left, in the red, is the three of us while she was a little baby. On the right is the three of us today. Very adorable. It is now hanging at my desk in my office at work. This has been the best St Patrick's Day in almost 10 years. My bad luck streak on Mar 17th each year has finally come to an end.

Only next year I am not letting my fiance grill the corned beef. For it was not meant to be.

It's a Portishead kind of night

It is the kind of day I feel pissed off at everything and everyone for no reason. Could be the rain. Could be the fact I woke up every single hour on the hour today. Could be I am agitated about something rational yet subconscious. I do know that I my agitation for my coworker is at a higher level tonight. Perhaps this four-night stretch is eating at me. Always wanting to be somewhere else when at work and resenting those around me for being so god damned annoying. Coworker Lady dumping all of the issues in my lap so she can fuck off on her Farmville doesn't help either. Nor when she wont shut her fucking mouth for one minute when I am trying to process something she just said or while I am trying to talk to other people. No self perception whatsoever. God I am cranky...

Please could you stay awhile to share my grief
For its such a lovely day
To have to always feel this way
And the time that I will suffer less
Is when I never have to wake

Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness forever
Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness forever

... Those who have seen the needles eye, now tread
Like a husk, from which all that was, now has fled
And the masks, that the monsters wear
To feed, upon their prey

Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness forever
Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness forever

[INSTRUMENTAL]

(always) doubled up inside
Take awhile to shed my grief
(always) doubled up inside
Taunted, cruel.... ...

Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness forever
Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness forever

"Really??"

      The Really?? conundrum. I don't understand it.Surely there have been more intelligent statement-fads than this. This is just annoying. Similar to the "I know, right?" after everything someone says. Or the "I was just joking" after saying something mean. ha - do I look stupid?? Really??  I do, don't I? I know, right?
                                      I have the privilege of working beside a lunatic.
     There are many words to describe this person but I would rather not be repetitive. She is like a forest-child of some kind. She has recently escaped from her isolated cabin in the middle of the woods and she is experiencing the world one amazing discovery at a time. Everything is new, fresh and confusing. She is quizzical over every situation she is faced with and it is fucking annoying. This is not an exaggeration this woman needs her head checked! Everything is a fucking mystery to her and I utterly despise people with lack of common sense.
  But I have to remain calm [turn the Blues on my headphones up louder] and try to understand she comes from an isolated cabin in the woods on it's own island so small and disconnected from this world it originated from it's own tiny cell of it's own tiny organism on it's own tiny fucking planet in it's own galaxy.  ignore her. That's what I meant... ignore her.

Feel the hate?

College

  I am graduating this June with a lousy AS that took four years to get from a lousy community college. One college degree is not enough to get me where I want to be in life. Although, at the age of 24 I am told I have accomplished great 'feats' already. Bullshit. The people of my generation are used to doing shit faster than those preceding us. [Not saying 24 is 'fast' for an AS, but it isn't bad while working full-time and being a parent.] We have an idea, find a way to make it happen, follow through with it then demand to see results right off.  Probably why I hate dieting, instant results are not to be followed.

 So now I am left with two colleges of choice that I can go to. I have to take online courses since I live in the fucking boondocks where the only college in town is an artsy-fartsy hippie school. I would love to not brush my hair, smoke a ton of weed and take pictures to get a degree. But I have a child to provide a future for and dreads are gross. So is patchouli. I hate being limited to going to school part time which doubles the time I have to attend in the long term. I also hate being limited to taking online courses and not having the full campus experience. Probably better since I have social anxiety anyway.

 I am bored of writing now, just venting because I don't know what to do and I don't even know if I want to go back right now or take time off. College is stupid >-<

  I hate writing. Because I suck at it and it is time consuming. I am not creative with adjectives or fancy synonyms and I can not write in a way that is interesting for any type of audience to indulge in. What I write in this blog will not be memorable posts to reflect on through a life changing event, nor thereafter. I will probably forget my password in a week and get bored with trying to think of things to say to keep this blog updated. There is plenty to say - I think of shit to say all day long that would sound good written down. Problem is four seconds later a new thought comes to mind and I completely forget the last. So this isn't something anybody I know would want to read and just as good because I wont be inviting any of them to read it. [Except for a certain two or three people] Just from this first intro one can see how I go around and around in circles trying to get my point across. What is my point in saying any of this anyway?

   Perhaps there isn't one.. Or perhaps I feel it is needed to be said because I know how I am and have been with journals and blogs in the past. They sit and brew until four years later I go back and say 'wow.. I was a pisshead back then.' Interestingly enough, I already say that about my myself in the present.

   The purpose for this monotony is because it was recommended by my current therapist, who I have been seeing for two weeks now.  She has instructed me to start writing. She is supposed to help me quit drinking but my efforts have been slim thus far. I hate drinking. I love drinking. Aside from the fears and troubles of quitting I am also trying to lose weight. I need to shed 27 pounds for my 5 ft tall stature to be what it was six years ago pre-baby. It wouldn't hurt in improving my self perspective as well, which has been hurting bad since the day I realized my chin has practically disappeared into my neck. Losing weight is a challenge just as great as going more than a night without a drink. I have to change all my habits, lifestyle and lack of physical activity. Sure it is Spring now and there is time and opportunity to engage in more outdoor physical activity but there are days I just don't feel like giving a shit. Noticing my own apathy toward bettering my health and demeanor is a trigger for drinking. Drinking is a trigger for apathy. It is a nasty cycle.

   I hate dieting. I hate being controlled by alcohol. I hate not being a health nut. I hate oat bread. I hate most fruit. I have another nasty addiction to Veleeta mac&cheese. I hate that.

The last thing I am currently working on is learning how to pay bills and save money. I am just about $4700 late on rent/fuel/electric, just under $3000 on medical/hospital bills, $400 on cell phone plan, $400 on Walmart card and I think about $300 for Comcast internet/cable. 

 There is nothing else to say here for now because my fiery 15 minutes of attention-span has dwindled into a smoking brush and now I am bored. I should note, however, that it is 51 minutes into my night shift at work and I am to continue the next 11 hours sitting on my ass, listening to music, watching Netflix and playing the god damned sims on facebook to keep my mind off what really matters in life. yay, go team